Communication Controls
Let's taco 'bout it
This week rounds out our 3 part series on parental controls. So far we’ve looked at time controls (here) and content controls (here). Today we talk about communication controls: the tools you can use to restrict or monitor your kid’s interactions with other people online.
The dangers
There are two groups of people to worry about when it comes to communication. First are the people your kid knows: friends, frenemies, acquaintances. Second are the people you’re kid doesn’t know: total strangers that want to interact with your kid.
You don’t have to go far to hear upsetting stories from other parents or see news stories & court cases about all sorts of bad outcomes from social media or digital interactions. Its all the things our parents worried about in the 80’s but worse. WAY worse. At the risk of making us all hyperventilate, its your kid finding out about a party they weren’t invited to or being excluded from a friend group. But its also bullying. And sexting. Its drugs, stalking, pedophiles, suicide, and sex trafficking. Are you curled up in a ball on the floor?! I am.
My $0.02
Every parent will need to decide when and how they want to allow their kids to interact in a digital world. I can’t answer that for you but here’s what I will say:
There are tools available to restrict communication channels which I cover below
The most important part of managing communication FOR your kid is to start with managing your communication WITH your kid.
No matter when you introduce phones, social media etc, at some point your kid is going to get in over their head. Maybe its a shitty friend making your kid feel bad, maybe its something much worse. The point is, when they find themselves in a difficult situation, make sure they know they can come to you. They should know that they can’t and don’t have to solve everything themselves.
While we all try to regulate out breathing again, here is the run down of communication restrictions available on operating systems and apps.
Operating System Settings
On Apple O/S got to settings > screen time > communication limits. Once there you can limit communication during screen time or during downtime to everyone, contacts & groups with at least one contact or contacts only.
On Android O/S, On the left, under “Account,” tap the member's name. Under Help protect (member's name) Families > Only receive calls and texts from your phone contacts. You can choose to this on or off.
App Settings
On Instagram you can see which accounts your teen follows, which they have blocked and which are following them. You can also add restrictions on your child's Instagram profile so that certain people can no longer comment, DM, or share their content. Go into Settings > Supervision > Family Center.
On Snapchat you can see who your teen is friends. Go to Settings > Family Center.
Note that neither Instagram nor Snapchat allow you to see the contents of the messages.
TikTok allows you to hide, or filter comments by everyone, followers that follow you back or noone. You can also restrict messages to everyone, suggested friends, followers that follow you back or noone. And, you can look at blocked accounts. Go to Settings > Family Pairing.
You Tube: N/A
What parents can do
Talk to your kids. Here are few things your teens should know:
Although they are allowed on social media apps at 13, social media wasn’t necessarily built with 13 year olds in mind. As a result, teens can find themselves in situations they aren’t quite ready for.
Strangers who want to be friends with a kid are a big red flag. This goes double for adult strangers. Be skeptical.
Encourage kids to practice pausing before hitting send/publish/post. (Lets be honest us adults need to do this too.) If they wouldn’t say it or do it in front of you, their parent, thats a good indicator that they probably shouldn’t say or do it online.
Digital records are forever (even on Snapchat), people really have not gotten jobs, been suspended from school & been arrested because of social media activity.
Adjust & Monitor OS and App controls as needed. Whether its a text messages or DM’s, make sure you know who your kid is communicating with.
Get to know the parents’ of their friends. Growing up, my mom made it her business to know all my friends’ moms. She had zero problem calling up any mom in town to check in, compare notes and share if she was worried about something. This was BEYOND embarrassing but it turns out that Mom Network kept us safer than I ever realized. (Thanks, Mom!)
If you haven’t already, get on the apps and get comfortable. I promise app by app help is coming in next week’s newsletter.
Have a plan for when things go wrong.
Next week we go deep on a single app. Look out for a poll later this week where you can vote on which app to start with!
Love,
Sarah