Turning 13 in The Age of Social Media

My conversation with a dad and his 13 year old son about all things social media

I sat down with Bryan Grossbauer, a fantastic dad and his incredible 13 year old son, Finn, to learn how they navigate social media in their family. We talked favorite apps, house rules and what's cool these days. They gave me lots to think about as my kids get older. The following are excerpts from our conversation. Please enjoy!

They both have such good hair

Let’s start with the apps. Which ones do you use & why?

[Finn]  I downloaded TikTok first, about 3 years ago.  TikTok has a version for kids with lots of parent controls so I was able to use it before I was 13. 

I definitely use Snapchat the most. I probably get 13 snaps per day from my friends, and I’m trying to keep up my streak. Right now I’m at 200 days.

I also just started using BeReal which I really like. Its kinda like Snapchat because you always have to take pictures of yourself and stuff and then put it online. 

But I was most excited to get Instagram when I turned 13. I always wanted that one. I like how you get a personalized feed of the people you chose to follow instead of TikTok where you get random videos.

[Bryan] I'm on all of them. Everything except for the weird ones! Mostly I use Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook. I used to use Twitter– it was great for news but not as much anymore. I mainly use social media to stay in touch and to watch content that interests me. I like Tiktok and Instagram the most for watching content.

Finn, tell me more about BeReal, how does it work?

[Finn] On BeReal every day you have to take a picture with your front camera and then your back camera. When you do, it shows your front camera as a little picture. Then it shows your back camera as the bigger one. Once you post, you can see other people's photos. It's not like on Instagram where there’s nothing pushing you to post or anything. On BeReal you have to post everyday to stay active. You can post a picture of anything really. Most people use BeReal to check in to see what their friends are doing. (I’ll get all into BeReal in a future post)

What do you like about social media?

[Finn]  I like how on social media it's a lot easier to see what everybody's up to and it's entertaining. There are people from school that you like but don't know that well — you can see what they are up to. Social media is also good because you can send people funny videos. That's really fun to do. 

[Bryan] We use it to connect as a family. Here’s an example– we just went on a family vacation. Before we went, we all shared travel influencer videos with each other. It helped everybody have their say about what we did on vacation and got us excited about the trip. 

What don’t you like about social media?

[Finn] One thing I do not like is how it kind of sucks you in. Sometimes I sit there for like an hour and a half, and I haven't realized how long I’ve been sitting there. I feel like I’m missing a lot of my life, just sitting on Instagram or TikTok!

[Bryan]  When you get your own phone it's really easy to lose time. Its always in your pocket, tempting you. 

What are the rules in your house about social media?

[Finn]  My parents are really strict that you can't lie about your age online which meant I couldn’t have an Instagram account until I turned 13. 

We also have the rule that you can’t talk to strangers online. I got Discord a while ago and my parents were concerned because they read about strangers messaging kids bad stuff on it. We agreed that I would only stay in a couple of rooms with my friends and we wouldn’t do anything crazy.

When I first got on Instagram, a lot of random people were trying to add me as friends. Most of them were my mom's friends and my dad's friends. But every single time, I asked my parents to check. I would say ‘Do you know this person?’ because I only want people we know.  I have a private account which means no random people can look at my posts.

[Bryan] For us social media, gaming and screen time all get grouped together. 

The kids have always been allowed an hour a day of screen time and we don’t limit it on weekends, within reason. At one point they started waking up early on Saturdays so we had to say ‘Okay you have to wait until 7 AM.’ But after school it's always been an hour.  It’s their time, and they can do what they want during that time. 

Lately Finn's found a way to maximize his screen time by playing video games and also flipping through social media at the same time! At first I was frustrated about it but we talked it over. His argument was ‘I’m staying within my screen time limit. Can’t I choose how to spend that time? If I happen to be doing multiple things at once, does it really matter as long as I’m staying within the screen time limit?’ He made a good point.

On social media specifically we have rules about lying and strangers. You can’t lie about your age. We also talk ALOT about how to handle it if someone reaches out to you and someone tries to get you to do something. We started talking about stranger danger at a very young age with our kids.

What advice do you have for other parents?

[Bryan] Get online with them, get on the same apps. You’re opening up a new communication pathway through social media that then allows you to be a part of it with them from the beginning.

If you’re on them, then you understand how the apps work and you can monitor what happens.  You’re more likely to sense if your kid is being deceitful or sneaky earlier. And just generally you have a sense of what their online life is, how they are representing themself. You’re not on outside wondering what they’re doing.

But on a more positive note, just embrace it. Share the funny videos or skateboarding tricks or cool travel videos or play the video games. It's a way to connect with them. You don’t see them most of the day while they are at school but they can still have this fun thing with you - sending cute or funny videos back and forth. It gives them something to talk to you about when you’re together in real life. Its give some common ground to build on. Hopefully that helps you build or maintain trust and closeness. 

Photo Credit Bryan Grossbauer @digitdaddyo

Do you have any regrets or things you would have done differently?

[Bryan] I would have been stricter about screen time at the beginning.  I didn't really know just how much of a crutch it could be until it was almost a little too late and they felt more entitled than grateful to their 1 h per day.

But I do get where they’re coming from. Finn and his sister have said to me ‘Look we work hard at school. We get good grades. We focus, We don’t get in trouble. When we come home from school, we're spent and we wanna just veg out.’  I can understand and respect that.

But I get so sick of the game. In our house this happens more with gaming than social media, but it's constant. 

 “Okay, time’s up, turn it off.”

“Hold on, I'm almost done.” 

“Just 5 more minutes I need just a little more time.” or “Oh, well, I went to get a drink so I think I should get like 2 more minutes” or “But I looked away for a minute so that doesn't count.” You know how it is!

What do you wish parents understood better?

[Finn] They should definitely look into parent controls. If they help their kid make a personalized feed that's appropriate for them, then maybe they can be on social media even if they aren’t 13 yet. 

What do you wish kids understood better?

[Bryan] When you get your own phone it's really easy to lose time. Its always in your pocket, tempting you.  I don't think kids really grasp that and the whole dopamine fix. They just know that it's entertaining. And if the thing they are watching isn’t really interesting, its not even like a tenth of a second to move on to something else that maybe will be. You're never bored. And if you are, you can fix that with a few swipes. I think it's really changed our attention spans.  In the old days, you had to wait while you rewinded or fast forwarded a VHS or Cassette tape. That period of waiting no longer exists; it's too easy to just get looped in.

Also the idea that everything that goes online will be there forever so be intentional. That’s a sticking point for me because when you're young I don't think you really think about the future and lasting effects of your choices.  

I was big on getting Finn’s gmail reserved and getting his name on his Instagram. I wanted it locked up because its all part of the package. When you apply to college or are in the job market, you should be easily findable and not hiding anything. You don’t want your @77kitties handle to be the first thing that pops up or something like that. It's your name, and you're responsible for everything that you're saying and doing online.

Last question: Finn, what’s cool on social these days?  

[Finn] I'm mostly looking at fashion posts because I like to wear certain clothes and sneakers. And I follow a lot of people who skateboard. My dad sends me ALOT of videos now that I’m on Instagram. Mostly Snowboarding, skateboarding and sometimes old ‘90’s rap videos. 

Bryan and Finn were a pleasure to interview! I am deeply grateful for their openness and their patience with me as a newbie interviewer and as a parent looking for insight about what’s ahead for my tweens.

To see Bryan’s favorite skateboarding and 90’s rap vids, please follow him @digitdaddyo. When he’s not curating his feed, he lives in New Rochelle with his family. That’s it from me this week!

Love,

Sarah