Turning 13 with ADHD in the Age of Social Media
This week I interview supermom Amanda and her superkid Gabe
ADHD has been on my mind lately. More and more kids I know have been diagnosed and I feel like I don’t know enough about it.
Enter my friend, Amanda. She is a mom to two kids with ADHD and a certified ADHD coach (more on that later). She let me ask all sorts of nosy questions about screens and brains— and especially about her older son Gabe who just turned 13. Thank you Amanda AND Gabe for your honesty and patience! The following is an excerpt of our conversations and has been edited for length and clarity.
Ok let’s jump right in. Gabe, what are you into? Tell me everything!
GABE: I like video games, archery, surfing and TV.
I have an iPhone which I use if I'm out of the house to text my friends and my family. My parents can use it to find my location. I can also play some games on it.
I also have an Xbox. I like to play games where you can go to a different world. Ones where you can control the characters, do what you want to do and everything you do stays in that world. You can even do something crazy like rob a store or something, because you know it's not real! Video games are just really freeing, you know?
I’m not on Social Media but I kinda want to be. I'd like to post stuff– maybe on Snapchat, that seems to be the most popular.
AMANDA: Neither Gabe nor his younger brother are on social media. They do watch YouTube shorts, which is basically TikTok content, so they’re still up on all of the current songs, trends, jokes etc. but they do not have access to the TikTok app. They have YouTube accounts, where they edit their own content and share with family but they can’t use their likenesses in those clips. Mostly they edit together basketball highlights or clips from shows they like.
Gabe is 13. He has ADHD and Dyslexia. Does this make his relationships with screens any different?
AMANDA: We have had to institute clear rules and limitations for screens. For Gabe, screens are for social interaction, play time and a chance to zone out after a long day at school. But they’re also a huge distraction for him so the rules are important.
In our experience and in studying for my certification, I’ve learned that kids with ADHD can be less mature and more naive making them more susceptible to online scams. They tend to be more susceptible to video game addiction. They can also struggle with transitions. As a result, we pay very close attention to screen usage in our house and have very clear rules that set specific limits. Even though he is 13, we’ve decided to wait to introduce social media.
During the pandemic we allowed more screen time but post-pandemic we had to pull back— that was a struggle. It took time for the kids to adjust to the change. We decided to have Gabe and his brother help write the house rules and that was really helpful— it helped them buy-in.
Gabe just got a phone for his 13th birthday and I can already see him struggle to put it away, not look at it or play games on it. Having rules really helps. So for now, we’re keeping an eye on it.
That’s a great segue into House Rules. What are they?
GABE: My brother and I came up with the rules with our parents:
We get an hour a day during the week.
2 hours a day on the weekends.
We can’t look up anything inappropriate and stuff like that. You know– anything that a kid shouldn't look up.
We always have to do our homework and double check everything is completed before getting on video games.
AMANDA: We also created a designated place for our devices when they’re not in use.
Amanda, what do you wish your kids understood better about screens, social media and video games?
On Screens— How easy it is to get sucked in and lose track of time. I noticed this in myself. Lately if I want to take a break and use social media to relax, I set a timer for 10 mins. It helps me avoid too much time suckage.
On Social— I wish they had a better understanding of the motivations of some of the influencers out there.
On Games— How commercial they are. There’s always something being offered for sale which you “need” to get ahead in the game. For a kid with impulse control issues that can be difficult to resist.
Gabe, What do you wish your parents understood better?
My parents think video games are too violent and they worry that us kids will become violent if we play violent games or play too much. But I don’t think that's true.
Parents should know that kids know none of the stuff that we do in a video game is appropriate for real life.
In addition to being Gabe’s mom, you’re a certified ADHD coach, what does that mean exactly?
AMANDA: An ADHD coach works with people who are feeling stuck or challenged by their ADHD symptoms. It’s a collaborative process in which I work with my clients to figure out how their uniquely wired brains work, so they can set themselves up to be successful. It’s so important for people with ADHD to understand their strengths and stretches so that they put the right supports in place for themselves and let their strengths shine.
I recently completed my training program with ADDCA (ADD Coach Academy) and am setting up my practice. Stay tuned for more when my website launches!
Any last words of advice for other parents?
I think for kids with ADHD, it’s important to have clear, consistently enforced rules about screentime. But, there is no universal rule about the “right amount of screentime.” Every child has different needs (whether they’re neurotypical or not). Help your child develop a healthy balanced schedule which includes fresh air, exercise, socializing with friends, homework, reading and of course, screentime.
And finally, Gabe, for the record, what are the best games?
My favorite games are GTA, Red Dead and Minecraft. You can play a different role in those games and be creative. To me being creative is being allowed to be more free.
I also love this game called Akinator– which I play on my iPhone – it has a genie that can guess what you're thinking!
(I’m definitely downloading that genie)
That’s all from me this week.
Love,
Sarah