When Your Tween Doesn't Want A Phone
I met a real live one who is perfectly happy with her not-so-smartwatch!
This week I share a truly delightful conversation I had with Kyra and her dad, Jim. Kyra is an incredibly self-aware tween with a great sense of humor. She’s into technology but isn’t to get a phone or get on social media. I’ll let this duo explain more in their own words!
Kyra: Hi. I’m Kyra. You know that. I'm 11, but I'm turning 12 on the last day of June. I’m in Middle School.
Hi Kyra! So tell me what are you interested in?
Kyra: Well, I like entertaining things. I like reading. I like playing video games. And when I watch TV, I watch Netflix and Youtube.
What technology does Kyra use?
Jim: For starters, each of our girls has the Amazon Kindle Fire tablet. Kyra also has a regular book Kindle. They play video games on our Xbox. And she has a chromebook through school.
Kyra: I also have a watch. It's not smart. It's has like an IQ of 40. It can text and call certain people. It has no games. It tracks my steps– things like that. It's very limited, and I like it that way.
I don't have a phone willingly. When I tell other kids that they're like, ‘you don't have a phone? Weird.’ But I think my watch has everything I need.
I don't want to go on any social media platforms except maybe for TikTok. My dad sometimes shows me TikTok videos that he’s picked out.
What worries you about social media and screens?
Kyra: I'm one of those people that if they see a screen in a restaurant, they can't take their eyes off it, even if it's Paw Patrol! I don't know what that says about me, but I don’t like that feeling.
I associate social media with dangers, and when I say dangers, I mean, like people like being weird online.
So you have a not-so-smartwatch, you don’t have a phone and you’re not into social media, how do you interact with your friends?
Kyra: At school were in contact because we sit together at lunch.
I can only call my one friend “L” on my watch so after school or on weekends, I call her and ask if she and our friend “A” want to hang out. She’ll hang up with me and call “A” then call me back. If they are both free then we’ll go back around figuring out what time and where.’ It's kind of a long process. But it works!
For my other friends, “M” and “E”, I can't get in touch with them unless I send them an email. And no kid looks at their email. They have better things to do, like play video games!
I don't really get together with friends virtually because of limited settings on my xbox, which I don't really complain about. When my friends come over to my house we play outside for a little bit, and then we come inside and play video games, preferably Minecraft.
Jim: When Kyra plays with friends they come over here, or she'll grab the controllers and go over to the neighbor’s to play. They don’t play online together.
What would you say are your guiding principles when it comes to screens for your kids?
Jim: There are a few major ideas
We are trying to delay the phone as long as possible.
We are trying to focus on using screens responsibly. The girls generally do a pretty good job with that.
Kyra: But not all the time!
Getting enough sleep is really important for the kids. So we try to limit the incentive to get out of bed super early by setting on and off times on their devices.
If they are doing well in school and involved in other activities we try to give them flexibility around screen time.
We also try to be thoughtful and intentional about the content that's available, kind of like we do with our diet. The kids get to choose how much they're going to eat but we decide what goes on the plate. We want to give them options, but with guardrails for things that are age appropriate.
When Kyra gets to the point where she has a phone and the communication is a little more open, we'll talk about what's appropriate. She has a pretty good sense but we know that will develops with time and practice.
We’ll look for tools that help develop good habits.
We look for opportunities to have conversations about dangers or concerns. For example, if something they’re watching is pushing the limit, if the girls are pushing the rules, if other kids have different rules or if we learn something new, we make sure we have a conversation about it.
What are some of those opportunities for conversations?
Jim: We went to see a a social media safety last year. She had a really strong anti-bullying message. We still talk about what we heard. Her message really resonated with Kyra.
When Kyra was in third grade, a number of kids in her class got phones with internet access. Third grade was too early for us but it led to a conversation about why we didn’t think that was a good idea for our family and some of dangers of the internet.
Kyra: Yeah- Pokemon cards were my thing in third grade, not phones, Pokemon cards.
Our kids are not afraid to test the boundaries. When they push, we have a conversation about it, and figure out the way forward together.
When the girls came to us and said ‘we wanna watch more stuff on Youtube,’ we were reluctant at first. We looked at some of the things that they were interested in and that opened up a conversation around positive content. We took the time to really set up YouTube Controls and were pleased to see that it improved the recommendations and the content that's pushed to them.
(How to set up YouTube for Tweens here)
When Kyra does get a phone, we know its going to be an ongoing conversation—especially for text and group chat— about what's appropriate, what tools to use, and how to use them effectively. I think one-on-one chats are definitely easier to manage than group so that's what we'll start with.
What are the House Rules and how have they changed over time?
Kyra:
The main rule is that I can’t go on a screen that my parents say not to go on.
I can go on my tablet and kindle without asking because they're limited.
Jim: Kyra is a morning person. So we've set up start and stop times
Kyra: I like to wake up early and sneak in some reading time
I have to read to get video games, which I like.
With the Xbox and TV I have to ask my parents– although sometimes I try sneak downstairs to watch.
I can’t watch things on Youtube that are inappropriate.
I can’t have any devices in my room.
Jim:
The X box is pretty locked down—there's no online access and she has to read 30 minutes before she can play video games.
We remove the remote control at night so no one is watching tv to early in the morning. That's an adjustment we had to make.
All devices stay downstairs at night. We have a central place where we plug everything in to charge them including their watches.
Kyra, are the rules in your house about screens fair?
Yeah, they're fair.
What do you wish parents understood better?
I think parents should know kid are probably more responsible that than you think. Also parents should definitely limit social media for kids. Except maybe for apps that aren't as dangerous like YouTube. I know that if I see something weird I can always talk to my parents about it. And I think other kids know that too.
What advice would you give other parents?
Jim: Its important to talk to your kids about technology responsibly. Its not going away but really kids need to be given context and told about the dangers.
I think we all need to understand that we are the product. The content we are being shown is not really there not to necessarily inform, it's there to keep your attention.
Start as small as you can. The settings can take some time to figure out. I am pretty good with technology but even have had my struggles getting settings to work the way I want them too. Who has the time to really figure it out? I recommend starting slowly, with one content source. Make sure you really understand you’re options and the settings on it. Make sure you're really clear on the rules you want to establish around how to use it and just keep an open dialogue.
For free subscribers, that’s it from me. I am so grateful for this conversation! Kyra’s honesty was an absolute delight! For paid subscribers, read on to learn more about the speaker that inspired Kyra’s stance on phones and social media. Plus Kyra gives us her favorite video games + what she’s watching on YouTube and Netflix.
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