How To Say No To Social Media

The best set of arguments I can give you

Kids want to be on social media. They feel significant social pressure, especially when “everyone else” seems to have access. But the benefits don’t outweigh the risks. Not by a long shot. This is my best advice on how and why to say no.

5 Main Messages

1. Not giving you social media is not a punishment, it's a safety decision. And, it's one I’ve spent a lot of time researching and thinking about.

2. Not giving you social media isn’t because I don’t trust you—it's the virtual world and the strangers in it that I don’t trust. 

3. The dangers of social media are real. You may not be able to fathom the dangers or think they won’t happen to you but they really do happen to kids just like you.

4. Social media was created for adults. The parental controls offered do not make it safe enough for teens.

5. I love you. Please remember that.

How to say no (13+)

Talking Points

1. Social Media Parental Controls were added well after these apps launched—largely in response to complaints and pressure, not because a teen use case was intentionally designed.

2. Here are some examples of where the Parental Controls fall short

   1. YouTube has addictive & problematic content. Specifically, YouTube Shorts is built like the scrolling content feeds in TikTok or Instagram but there are no YouTube Shorts specific parental controls.  The content controls are observably less consistent on Shorts than on regular YouTube.

   2. TikTok has addictive & problematic content and data and privacy issues. While it does actually have fairly strict parental controls, TikTok is observably the most addictive. TikTok is also currently being sued by the DOJ for child data privacy concerns. 

   3. Instagram has addictive & problematic content AND unsafe private messaging. Instagram controls can’t definitively block strangers from reaching you. I cannot monitor messages.

   4. Snapchat has unsafe private messaging AND SnapMap does not have any parental controls. Snapchat controls can’t definitively block strangers from reaching you. Also, I cannot monitor messages or manage SnapMap.

   5. Notifications for these apps cannot be controlled through parental controls (except for TikTok). As with all apps, notifications are designed to pull users back in multiple times a day.

The reasons why addictive content, unsafe private messaging and social media notifications are problems

Unsafe private messaging

• Strangers can pretend to be someone you know or go to school with.

• Strangers can sell children drugs or bait them into sharing private information or compromising photos (sexploitation). Both have had lethal consequences- drug overdoses and suicides.

• Even interactions with people you do know IRL can be dangerous: Cyberbullying and Stalking are real issues on social media apps among friends and acquaintances.

For all these reasons, I need to be able to monitor messages and the parental controls don’t let me do that.

Addictive & Problematic Content

Social Media has been known to contribute to poor habits and mental health outcomes. My concerns include:

• Losing time from scrolling endless feeds of content

• Dopamine Addiction as the scrolling feed hijacks your dopamine reward system

• Reduced attention span also from that same scrolling behavior

• Inappropriate content gets missed by moderation teams– not just sexual or violent but biased, subversive and factually incorrect. When you watch content alone on your phone, there is no one to provide context or a reality check.

• Content from feeds can also lead to feelings of loneliness, otherness, FOMO, jealousy which can turn into depression, anxiety or worse.

• The notifications from social media apps- whether its content, messaging alerts or notifications that people are interacting with your posts are distracting and further contributing to an inability to focus and a reduced attention span.

I need to be able to review what you are watching especially if I notice any of the above and I can’t. I need to be able to help you manage your notification settings and the parental controls don’t let me do that.

How to say no (under 13)

Talking Points

1. According to the app store, Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat are not appropriate for anyone under 13. 

2. I am not comfortable with you lying about your age to get access to any app.

3. Social Media apps do have some protections and parental controls for younger users starting at 13 but you won’t get the right ones if you have given the incorrect age.

4. Please see everything else above 

Some supporting data for saying no

Private Messaging / Strangers

SOCIAL MEDIA DEATHS

Hundreds of wrongful death lawsuits have been filed against social media companies particularly from drug overdoses or from seeing content and harming themselves¹

EXISTENCE OF ONLINE PREDATORS

According to the FBI,

• there are an estimated 500,000 online predators active each day

• over 50 percent of the victims of online sexual exploitation are between the ages of 12 and 15

• An estimated 89 percent of sexual advances directed at children occur in Internet chatrooms or through instant messaging²

RISE IN SEXTORTION CASES

The number of global cases of sextortion reported to the US National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) more than doubled in 2023, rising to 26,718 compared to 10,731 the year before.³

Addictive & Problematic Content / Attention 

DECREASED ATTENTION SPAN: Dr. Gloria Mark, a professor of informatics who studies attention spans due to social media, said the average attention span on a screen has decreased by 103 seconds between 2004 and 2023.⁴

Notifications / Attention

RATE OF NOTIFICATIONS: According to research in Jonathan’s Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation: teens receive on average 192 alerts each day. If you assume 14 hours of awake time that’s one notification every 4 or 5 minutes the entire time you are awake.

Objection Handling // Real Talk

Real Talk? It is highly unlikely that your child is going to listen to your very valid and thoughtful reasons and just be ok with the no. That said, I wholeheartedly believe that they will thank you in the long run. 

Every kid seems to believe:

1. Everyone else has it

2. Those bad things won't happen to me

There are no perfect rebuttals to these objections. My best advice is to acknowledge their experience and their feelings. Then, encourage them to do their own reading & research. But hold your ground. Your decision is about safety that is more important than anything else. 

Final Thought For Parents // Real Talk

What I’m going to say next is NOT going to convince any child, but it may be the thing that convinces parents who are on the fence.

There IS a way to say yes safely but it is ALOT of work to, effectively, take on significant risk with no real upside. I’ll explain more next week.

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Further Reading

Scrolling 2 Death. Podcast. Nicki Reisberg. here

“What happened when I made my sons and their friends go without smartphones” Article in The Times published just last week. Decca Aitkenhead. here

The Anxious Generation. Book. Jonathan Haidt.

“Being 13.” Last year’s article in the New York Times. Jessica Bennet. here

Paid subscribers get the audio pep version of this article. Listen to it before you give the no!